The Importance of Modeling Behavior as a Caregiver
JULY 28th, 2023
“Do as I say, not as I do.”
When considering its diverse phrasings that have transformed over time, it is a saying that is centuries old. No matter the context, it can be interpreted as either:
1. The speaker declares they are above the rules or norms and advises the listener to stay within their own more restrictive boundaries.
Or
2. The speaker acknowledges their faults and struggles to meet a certain standard and indirectly encourages the listener to improve.
Grasping this saying within either interpretation takes critical thinking, mostly to decide whether it is appropriate or acceptable given the context or scenario.
And yet it is a philosophy that many caregivers expect their children to understand fully by unwittingly implementing it into their parenting methods.
Having worked with children in both the school and clinical setting, I have witnessed countless instances where adults express frustration and incredulousness toward a child’s inappropriate actions and habits. At the same time, they themselves exhibit the same behavior.
How often have you seen a child throw a toy and have a tantrum only to see their parent match that energy by screaming or slamming things in response? Or for a parent to come home from a long day at work, openly expressing their irritability and bad mood, yet reprimand their child for “having a bad attitude” whenever they are tired, hungry, or had a horrible day at school themselves.
Believe it or not, most parenting does not depend on directives, lectures, or consequences. It rests upon modeling. We see it all the time when children grow up and adopt certain habits, tics, and even interests from their caregivers. Children see everything; they subconsciously register adults’ body language, micro-expressions, tone of voice, etc. They do so to understand how to navigate life as an individual. And as far as they are concerned, we adults have it all figured out. They are amazed by our strength and knowledge and assume we are perfect models to mimic.
Therefore, when a child witnesses their caregiver impulsively yelling profanity at another adult during a dispute, it is quite confusing when they are punished for doing the same. When an adult contradicts themselves in such a way, the message is “Do as I say, not as I do.” And the problem with this is although children are excellent observers, they are horrible interpreters, meaning they cannot grasp either of the underlying meanings of the classic saying mentioned above.
For one, the younger they are, the more unfathomable it is for them to accept their caregiver as having faults. And the other issue is that although they see adults as authority figures, they expect authority figures to exemplify the rules of behavior, not operate outside of them.
So how does this concept of modeling practically apply to parenting? Simple: by working on yourself. Aim to be the person you want your children to be. Practice the values and morals you want ingraining into them to maintain as they grow and develop.
And here is the kicker: it must be genuine. Do not just showcase this ‘ideal’ person only when interacting directly with them. Have them observe you settle a real conflict maturely. Have them see you take deep breaths and admit your need to step back when stressed or aggravated. And go further by implementing these strategies when they are not present: the positive results of practicing emotional regulation, efficient problem-solving skills, and maintaining good relationships will inevitably spill from your own life into theirs.
Also, be vulnerable. When I have caregivers desperate to have their children communicate their emotions and open up, I ask, “Do you open up to them?” If adults do not model the verbal expression, emotional vocabulary, and self-awareness they expect of children, how can we expect them to know how?
Don’t worry. ‘Being vulnerable’ does not mean spilling your darkest secrets and burdening your child with adult issues. It can be as simple as letting them know you are upset. Or sad. It can be declaring how happy or excited you are for your own accomplishments in addition to theirs. And it can be sharing how you yourself handled those emotions.
By modeling the values and conduct you want children to have, you teach them that no one is exempt from following them. By admitting to moments, you have stumbled and struggled to uphold these standards, teaching them it is worth the effort to work on themselves.
If you parent with the mentality of “Do as I do,” there is usually much less to say.
