What Trauma is NOT!
August 18th, 2023
Many adults struggle to validate their past adversity. It usually comes in the form of comments, such as
“There are others who have experienced worse things.”
or
“Sure, those things happen, but I wouldn’t say it’s traumatic.”
The most interesting aspect of this is what they are saying to me. Their clinician. As in, the very person they sought out for help with issues they clearly know exist. And yet when an objective assessment is presented as a possible factor, it makes them uncomfortable and defensive.
I’ve found some common themes that reoccur when working through this hesitation. I wanted to share 4 of these themes to help others understand what it does not mean when a person accepts their experiences as traumatic.
1. Having Trauma Does NOT Mean You Are Weak
The event does not define trauma. Trauma is defined by one’s psychological and neurological reaction to the event. Our response depends on many things: other past or present mental health diagnoses, the person’s physical and mental stress levels at the time, previous events that amplify the traumatic experience, how we were taught to deal with emotional stress in our childhood, etc. These diverse factors are also why people can have symptoms and behaviors.
The circumstances surrounding our adverse experiences are outside our control. Therefore, the source of the trauma does not define our character, our worth, or our level of resiliency. You cannot get rid of trauma by belittling where it came from. Healing starts with respecting its power and its impact on our lives.
2. Having Trauma Does NOT Mean You Are Making Excuses
Acknowledging the factors that led to certain behaviors is not the same as excusing those behaviors. Traumatic reactions are ugly; they make us do and say things that violate our values and detract from what we truly want for ourselves and the people we love.
I think therapy has the false reputation of reinforcing the victim mentality within clients; it is believed that we absolve people from taking responsibility for the harm their symptoms have caused. While some clients need help recognizing the helplessness and stolen control that occurred within their traumatic experiences, we never encourage them to use it as a shield against accountability.
Some people are overly concerned about self-victimization; they believe that simply accepting an experience(s) as possibly influencing their current functioning implies self-pity and relinquishment of responsibility. The reality is that empowering ourselves to realize why something is happening is not the same as justifying it.
3. Calling It “Trauma” Does NOT Change You or What Is Happening
For some, receiving a diagnosis provides solace; it replaces the general uneasy sense of “There is something wrong with me” with a more concrete explanation of what is happening and why. However, being given a mental health diagnosis can be uncomfortable, scary, or even offensive for others. A diagnosis is usually equated to a 'label, and that label is associated with stereotypical misconceptions of what it means to have a diagnosis. These beliefs usually include the false impression that everyone with the diagnosis shares some undesirable characteristic (due to exaggerated and oversimplified media portrayals) or having exaggerated concerns of it somehow sabotaging life goals (i.e. careers, college admissions, background checks).
However, it is important to understand that trauma - or any other diagnosis - is defined by the symptoms, which means nothing changes from giving it a name. The experiences that influenced our emotional wounds and physical ailments remain the same before and after the “label” is assigned
So why do we need to have a diagnosis at all? Because it helps the clinician and client decide on what evidence-based approaches to use, what safety precautions to take against the typical risks associated with the diagnosis, and to have a common language while processing in session.
The diagnosis is not a ‘label.’ It is more of a working title in which the tale is your struggle. And every story title is based on the narrative, not vice versa.
4. Acknowledging Trauma Does NOT Automatically Villainize The People Who Influenced It
Acknowledging traumatic childhood experience does not imply the caregivers were 'bad' people. Clients can feel guilty when recognizing that their emotional wounds stem from the people they love and trust; they battle with grasping this realization while insisting there was never any abuse of intentional harm.
Trauma does not only come in the form of overt cruelty or total neglect. It can come from a loved one saying or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, especially if it happens repeatedly. It can come from witnessing or overhearing violent disputes between parents, neighbors, or in the community. It can come from being exposed to adult stress levels at a young age, like knowing every month there is a chance the family won’t make rent or the power will be cut off.
It is possible to accept childhood experiences as traumatic while still believing family and other loved ones were giving their best with the knowledge and resources available at the time. It makes them human. And all humans have flaws and make mistakes.
Accepting Your Trauma WILL Help You Heal
Trauma has a way of affecting our lives in insidious ways. But if we can call it out for what it is, it loses its stealth and power. Giving validity to our emotional struggles is a step toward taking away the hold trauma has on us..
